So drunk its hurt
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
