he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
