Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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