Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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