I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
