I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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