He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm passing your future prison.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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