I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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