haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
