we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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