I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
