go do what you do best...puke behind churches
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
