guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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