I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
