Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
