I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
