a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize