eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
we should paint friendship bongs
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
