dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just high enough for therapy.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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