I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize