My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
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