Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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