Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
