You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We left the knife in your bed.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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