i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
