What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
