So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
