i jhust puked up my retainher.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
