Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
