dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize