just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
