It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
