i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
