Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
