speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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