My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
