Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
