I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
