I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
