I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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