4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
