Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
