I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
