the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
