I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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