also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I didn't notice because vodka
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
