So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
it hurts more in the daytime
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
