I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
