Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
