How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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