Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
