Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
