I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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