I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
