The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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