so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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