Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
