I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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