I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize