Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
