When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
