and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
