just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
