He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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