I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
