My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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