we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
