dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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