nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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