it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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