Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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