I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
